How do you go from the initial reaction to this lifestyle to actually partaking?
Damned if I know. Kidding, I think I can kinda help here but my advice comes with a caveat, you won’t like it and it takes time, trust and a lot of self awareness.
Typically I try to address either the husband or the wife but I think this applies equally to both halves of the whole so forgive my vagueness while I attempt to share some thoughts on going from the initial reaction phase to the action phase.
If you and your spouse are at a place where you’re aware of and considering trying out this hotwife thing this is for you. I’ve shared a lot of advice about how to make this happen and how I feel and what I think about being a hotwife but I know when I started I would have loved to know a little more of what to expect in terms of communication. Let me tell you, it’ll be endless and it’ll be brutal, enlightening, keep you up at night, ease your fears and again, it’ll be endless. Before you begin you need to work out how you plan to communicate about all things ‘hotwife’. The only way to get through the time from the initial reaction to actually making it a reality is communicating all your thoughts, worries, fears, desires and wants to your spouse. Also it shouldn’t need to be said but I’ll say it for those that will take any excuse to avoid this, you need to speak about this outside of the bedroom. You should and can talk about it during all your sexy times as well but the real nitty gritty needs to be spoken, out loud, in the light of day.
It is far easier to say than to do, I know that. If you don’t already have a relationship where you can throw out an idea like hotwifing then step -1 is to get to that place. You’ll find plenty of posts and stories of wives who were apprehensive because of religion, insecurity, fear of being judged, etc and those are all really huge hurdles to get through. Hotwifing isn’t a conventional thing, even less so than swinging and more popular kinks. It’s a lot to leap from not speaking openly about anything sexual to asking or being asked to be a hotwife. I highly recommend working up to it, slowly. A good place to start is mojo upgrade (https://mojoupgrade.com/).
Here’s how it works (copy pasted right from the source):
First, you are asked a series of fantasies where you’ll indicate their willingness to do them
After indicating your willingness, we then ask you to rank a few of the questions in order of interest
We ask your partner to do the same
Once both partners are finished, we show both of you where you both said “yes”. If one or both of you said “no”, we do not show that question.
We also rank your responses based on how you both ranked them.
If you need to start a conversation this site is a great place to do it. If you’re not quite ready to take an online quiz with your partner, well, go back to square one and work up to that and put all the hotwife stuff waaaaay on the back burner for a while. Now let’s say you take the quiz, I would love to tell you exactly what to do from there but it will greatly vary depending on your answers and your partner’s answers. Whatever the case may be I can assure you the next steps will be to communicate more. Of course talking about it won’t really accomplish much if you’re not open to listening and changing. I’ve been doing this hotwife thing for a bunch of years now and I can confidently say it’s been one of the biggest catalysts for self reflection and change and I’m sure many people can relate. If you can keep an open mind and be open to adjusting constantly, both of you, then you’ll most likely make some progress. If nothing else you’ll have explored the things that you both enjoy and the things you don’t and that’s always a good thing, in my opinion.
So I kinda covered self awareness and I mentioned time and trust earlier in passing so let’s tackle those. It’s obvious that you’ll need trust, all marriages do. I’ll say, from my experience, that you need trust in each other and trust that you’ll each say/communicate what you truly feel/think/believe. If you tell your spouse that you’re ok with a boundary that you aren’t and then you cross it, it’s incredibly unfair to that person and they most certainly will lose trust in you. There’s a finite number of times you can chip away at someone’s trust before it’s not there and takes quite a bit to rebuild. Down the line you’ll of course need all sorts of trust but for now you need to fully trust in each other that you’re doing your absolute most to express yourself truthfully. If you don’t have that you’ll always have doubts and concerns in the back of your mind and if you can’t take each other at your word then you don’t have much to work with.
As far as time goes, you’re asking or being asked to embark on a new and exciting thing but it’s also something that requires a lot of time, energy, emotions, risk and the list goes on. Make sure that you give yourselves all the time you need or want to be comfortable. There’s no rush, there’s no finish line, there’s nothing to prove to anyone. You’ll both feel more confident and comfortable if you go at your own pace and do things in your own way. Know that every couple takes a different amount of time before they start and that’s ok. It can take weeks or years, there’s no single timeline for when someone is ready. It’s better to put in the time at the beginning than to have to backtrack and work through avoidable issues later because you rushed in. Give each other the benefit of time and don’t feel bad if it’s taking you a while to ‘come around’. You may never be into it and you may never want to make it a reality and that’s ok too, better to figure that out before you do anything you can’t take back.
I cannot stress enough that not only do you need to communicate but you need to know how you each communicates and make sure that you can handle that in a hotwife context. If your spouse freezes up, doesn’t talk about feelings or holds grudges, don’t think that hotwifing will suddenly be the exception to that, it won’t. If you can work through differences in opinion and engage in healthy arguments then you’re already in a great place to take on something like hotwifing. I also cannot stress enough that you have to have a bit of self awareness to know if you actually can communicate well, don’t sugar coat it to yourself. If you can’t, no biggie, work on it. I would highly recommend you come to this lifestyle from a place of wanting to add some fun to your marriage and sex life, never from a place of fixing things. Also you should really try to make sure that when you’re doing all this inner work that you don’t let your desire for some fun, kinky, hotwife lovin’ to cloud your judgement or make you gloss over your own shortcomings. If you don’t do the work at the start you’ll end up doing it at some point and it’ll be harder so if you’re in a position to ‘get it right’ from the jump, please do so. Work out the kinks before you work on your kinks.
The next thing to tackle is kind of a tangent about decoupling as a baby step before you make this lifestyle a reality, so that’ll be another post for another time…