We’ve recently been talking a lot about this kink and kind of taking stock of how it’s working and how we want to move forward and we’ve come to realize there are a lot of things that have surprised us along the way, for better or worse, and we wanted to share a few of the lesser discussed things that have come up along the way for us.
First…the sheer amount of time and effort it can take to find a compatible guy. Sometimes it’s easy, I won’t lie, but for the most part it feels like a part time job in the beginning. Between checking profiles and chatting and trying to schedule things it’s just something that takes way more of our attention and energy than we anticipated. On the bright side, because we take our time in finding and getting to know people I can say that I’ve had nothing but stellar encounters thus far.
We change our minds…frequently. Whether it’s about rules or preferences or what have you we’ve come to realize that this kink is evolving like flowing water. It’s just always changing and molding itself in new and different ways. We’ve surprised ourselves often when we think we’re firm in an idea only to find that when we’re presented with making it happen…we change our minds. It took a bit of adjustment to just be ok with the fact that we can change our minds about any aspect at any given time for any reason. Now that we’re a lot more accepting of it and not quite as rigid in our rules things are going along swimmingly.
Birth control is a real bitch. Being married has spoiled me in that I haven’t been on bc in ages but the whole better safe than sorry thing was weighing heavy on my mind when we started so we’re back to birth control and while playing safe is awesome…bc sucks (for me at least). I’m not a huge fan, especially since my husband had a vasectomy after our third was born . I was very much looking forward to a hormone free future but it’s a small price to pay to have so much fun in this lifestyle. Also the silver lining is that scheduling around shark week isn’t an issue anymore so I can fuck whoever, whenever and I am a big fan of that.
Rejecting guys is also a major bummer. It’s definitely not something I ever thought I’d do and not this frequently. I’m a fairly nice person and it just sucks turning someone down when they’ve taken the time and energy to get in touch. When the person checks most of the boxes it’s even harder, when it feels shallow it’s just as hard, it’s so difficult when the person won’t take no for an answer and you have to be harsher to them than you’re comfortable with. It all sucks and I don’t like it.
So many dick pics….you think you know there will be a lot. There will be more than that by several dozen. They’re on my phone, blowing up my inbox, on my laptop…just everywhere. Some are asked for, most are not. Everyone knows and expects to get them but my word…there’s no escaping them. I’m one of the few that likes dick pics but it’s even overwhelming for me and that’s saying something. Of course the silver lining is that now nothing can shock me ( I’ve seen cocks of every shape, slant, color, length, girth, etc) and I’ve seen just about every cock in the universe so I’ve got that goin’ for me
Thirds open up on dates. I was not expecting much more than having some drinks, casual conversation and fucking…what I’ve gotten is a self appointed degree in psychology. These guys can talk…a lot! Instead of talking about current events and music or whatever the conversations I seem to get into are always really personal. I’ve helped guys work up the courage to ask out their crush, navigate relationships, weigh the pros and cons of getting back together with their ex, etc. It’s not all relationships though…I’ve weighed in on real estate purchases, which car to buy, talked about their family dynamics, career choices, their childhoods, the issues they’re going through with friends and everything else under the sun, except sports, movies or anything ‘light’. I think it’s great and I’m always fascinated by what other people are going through and how they’re living so it’s a positive for me but once in a while it might be nice to feel a little less like a therapist.
Insecurity…ugh, I thought it was gonna be all girl power and cum when I started out and that’s not so much the way it’s panned out (for me at least). I’m typically not an insecure person but lately that voice in my head has turned into such a bitch and insecurities I’ve never had are creeping in and the old ones are amplified. Early on in this fantasy I was less nervous to meet up with someone out of my league than I am now, it’s made me turn down dates and offers and I hate that. Of course feeling confident is all up to me but when every guy looks like he was just chiseled out of marble or walked off a runway and into my hotel room…it’s a little difficult not to be intimidated.
Fucking people at home is just amazing. I’ve done hotels, apartments or their place but rarely do I invite anyone into our home. The times I have had have been great. i was surprised that being home felt extra taboo and therefore a little more awesome. It helps that for the rest of the night our room and bed often smells like some other guy so it’s a fun little reminder while I’m fucking my husband that just hours earlier I was fucking someone else in that same spot.
Our sex life ebbs and flows just like it always has. I was somewhat expecting that for as long as we do this it would be the off the charts, swinging from chandelier sex that accompanied the first few encounters. It’s as awesome as always but as working parents of three kids there are still those times when at the end of the day the bed is calling and sleep is the only thing in the world you fantasize about. There’s definitely an upkick around the times that a date is in the planning stages and the days surrounding that but there’s also just the normal everyday life stuff that gets in the way of being a super slutty hotwife 24/7. Figured this was worth throwing in because I read a lot of posts about that chandelier level sex and while it happens it’s not always the case. Maybe we’re not the norm in that regard but fear not if you haven’t turned into a sex machine who needs to get fucked every few hours after you start this fantasy. It’s especially hard when a date is planned long in advance and we have a crazy week and hardly any time for each other and then off I go to fuck someone…I usually postpone if that’s the case but sometimes he still encourages me to go. Those times I’m a little extra nervous about jealousy rearing its head but so far so good. Point is our sex life is better than ever but still has it’s ups and downs despite being a fairly active hotwife for the past 2 years.
Messing up is just the worst, of course you’d expect that if things don’t go well you’ll be upset. Well take what you think you’ll feel and turn it up all the way because breaking a rule or anything along those lines is fucking devastating. I’m so lucky in that my husband and I are great at communicating, we don’t fight (over hotwife stuff or anything else) and we talk everything out and can truly forgive and forget but I still feel awful if I forget to text or can’t get pics. I want every time I meet someone to be a positive experience for everyone involved but at times my husband has been less than thrilled for various reasons. Even when it’s minor it feels like hell so hopefully some of you will take that into account before starting. It’s part of what makes communication so essential, not everything will be sunshine and rainbows and as the wife in the situation it’s a heavy burden to carry when your spouse isn’t on cloud 9 after you’ve met up with someone and you need to be able to talk it out and move on together.
Guys who don’t know about this kink are instantly super into it after learning about it. Since using Tinder I’ve explained our open marriage countless times…every single time it’s like mind blown! Guys want in on it and they want to know how they can have a similar relationship. I have yet to come across any negative reactions, a few misguided guys and a few who could care less but for the most part every single guy is super curious how this all works. It’s fun for me because I get to chat about my marriage and my husband and how awesome he is. I kinda thought going in that it would be a deal breaker in meeting guys…like why hook up with a married woman when there’s no chance for anything more, ever instead of oh I don’t know…any other single person on the planet. Apparently there’s some forbidden fruit aspect to it and the guys seem to love it. No complaints, I love that through our fun we’ve helped a lot of guys find a new kink.
I could go on and on about the various things that have surprised us along the way, but I think I’ve covered enough for now.
*This is all purely my pov and based entirely on my experiences in the 2 years we’ve been indulging in the hotwife lifestyle. YMMV.